Crap & More Crap
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
In case anyone has missed them Trojan has good European commercials out
Gymnastics
Weight lifting
Judo
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And Since I just put up a Democrat joke time for a Republican. Equal time for the causes
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.
She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican which she expressed openly.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the
middle of her heart-felt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her
far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point
blank how she was doing in school.
She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let
him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the
time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying and that she was taking a more difficult curriculum.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend
Mary."
She replied, "Mary is barely getting by". She continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA and all she takes are easy classes; she never studies." To explain
further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular on
campus- college for her is a blast. She goes to all the parties all the time
and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung
over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to
your friend who
only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0
GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of
GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by the father's suggestion,
angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine.I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing. She played while I
worked real hard!"
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
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A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.
She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican which she expressed openly.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the
middle of her heart-felt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her
far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point
blank how she was doing in school.
She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let
him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the
time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying and that she was taking a more difficult curriculum.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend
Mary."
She replied, "Mary is barely getting by". She continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA and all she takes are easy classes; she never studies." To explain
further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular on
campus- college for her is a blast. She goes to all the parties all the time
and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung
over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to
your friend who
only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0
GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of
GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by the father's suggestion,
angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine.I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing. She played while I
worked real hard!"
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Joke Time again
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic
chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought,
"This is really cool."
The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the
bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again,
the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
The man went out and came back in a third time. As
before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied,
"50."
The robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote
for John Kerry?"
|
|
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic
chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought,
"This is really cool."
The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the
bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again,
the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
The man went out and came back in a third time. As
before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied,
"50."
The robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote
for John Kerry?"
For all you Lord of The Rings fans and rap fans which I am not one of them you may check this out. I give you permission to
Gollum rap
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Think you know how long you are going to live for, this website tells you. I'll let you all know if they are corrrect, when I come back to haunt each and every four people who read my blog
HOW LONG YOU GONNA LIVE FOR?
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
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Try to pick out the Brits with the fake smiles. They really do have bad teeth, I thought it was just an overplayed joke. guess not.
Spot the Fake
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Saturday, March 27, 2004
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TIME TO TAKE THE "MAN" AKA WHITEY DOWN
This ran in the New York Times a couple years back.
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1.To make an appointment to see me;
2.To query a missing repayment;
3.To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6.To transfer the call to my toilet case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to access my computer is required. Pass word will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client.
|
This ran in the New York Times a couple years back.
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1.To make an appointment to see me;
2.To query a missing repayment;
3.To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6.To transfer the call to my toilet case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to access my computer is required. Pass word will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Joke time
Three Massachusetts surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Mass. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months
later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won a gold medal in the Olympics decathlon."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a Millionaire who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's Running for president of the United
States."
|
Three Massachusetts surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Mass. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months
later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won a gold medal in the Olympics decathlon."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a Millionaire who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's Running for president of the United
States."
Thursday, March 25, 2004
| | |Monday, March 22, 2004
|Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Oldie but Goodie
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a retired full General from the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my party's nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a retired full General from the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my party's nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Anyone need that offensive T-shirt to wear to that formal or family function, then check out this place to get just the perfect one.
T-shirts
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Monday, March 15, 2004
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Who the fuck thinks up this horseshit. Also check out ebaumworld, sonic the hedgehog game is on there this week
What flavor are you
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Since I got nothing to write about, here are some links to check out
Jack Handey - “Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
102. Jack Handey - “If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
103. Jack Handey - “If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
104. Jack Handey - “One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
105. Jack Handey - “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
106. Jack Handey - “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
107. Jack Handey - “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
108. Jack Handey - “Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
109. Jack Handey - “To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
110. Jack Handey - “I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111. Jack Handey - “Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
112. Jack Handey - “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
113. Jack Handey - “If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
114. Jack Handey - “I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
115. Jack Handey - “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
116. Unknown - “Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.”
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117. Unknown - “When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.”
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118. Unknown - “Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
119. Jack Handey - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
I have also noticed this since getting married
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
____________________________________________________________
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo'sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your @#%$.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Smack my bitch up
MMMM steak
Joke time Mother Bitches
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
"Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a-- up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
|
Jack Handey - “Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
102. Jack Handey - “If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
103. Jack Handey - “If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
104. Jack Handey - “One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
105. Jack Handey - “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
106. Jack Handey - “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
107. Jack Handey - “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
108. Jack Handey - “Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
109. Jack Handey - “To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
110. Jack Handey - “I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111. Jack Handey - “Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
112. Jack Handey - “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
113. Jack Handey - “If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
114. Jack Handey - “I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
115. Jack Handey - “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
116. Unknown - “Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
117. Unknown - “When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
118. Unknown - “Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
119. Jack Handey - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
I have also noticed this since getting married
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
____________________________________________________________
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo'sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your @#%$.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Joke time Mother Bitches
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
"Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a-- up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Friday, March 05, 2004
|
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
2004 GASOLINE PRICES
I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want
gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united
action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE
SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going
around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because
they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas.
It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them.
BUT,whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really
work.
Please read it and join with us .By now you're probably thinking gasoline
priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for
regular unleaded in my town Now that the oil companies and the OPEC
nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is
CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that
BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline
going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we
are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the
pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting
ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying
gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force
a price war. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY
gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and
MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce
their prices. If
they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But
to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil
gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't whimp out on me at this
point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of
people I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send
it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) .. and those 300 send it to at least
ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the
sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION
consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten
friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes
one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you
don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send
this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician.)
How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more
people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably
be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you I didn't think you and I
had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference.
If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP
THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK
|
2004 GASOLINE PRICES
I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want
gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united
action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE
SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going
around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because
they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas.
It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them.
BUT,whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really
work.
Please read it and join with us .By now you're probably thinking gasoline
priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for
regular unleaded in my town Now that the oil companies and the OPEC
nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is
CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that
BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline
going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we
are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the
pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting
ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying
gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force
a price war. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY
gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and
MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce
their prices. If
they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But
to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil
gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't whimp out on me at this
point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of
people I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send
it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) .. and those 300 send it to at least
ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the
sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION
consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten
friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes
one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you
don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send
this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician.)
How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more
people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably
be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you I didn't think you and I
had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference.
If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP
THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Ok jerkasses. I sent this page to my brother to check out and he said that there is too much reading involved in my links. He obviously never learned to read and this is the cause of his problem. To my brother I say FOAD (Fuck Off And Die). Maybe he just needs a dragon kick to the nuts or a five across the Face. I'm RICK JAMES BITCH
Smart Fucker
|
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
I remember the first time I saw this guy. This one is not the original but a take off on him. You hopefully will piss your pants
PBJ
|
|
Monday, March 01, 2004
One last update for today. Man oh man am I getting some good crap today to link in here. I will have to be like James Brown, jump back, kiss myself hot damn kilogram. By they way the popcorn you have been eating has been pissed in by Big Jim Slade.
By the way check out this article, irony at work here.
666
Jesus is back man, badder than ever
Devil Score
|
By the way check out this article, irony at work here.
Jesus is back man, badder than ever
Back when I was in school at WVU we had this little delicacy called pepperoni rolls. Man those things were good as hell. Almost as good as Dairy Mart stromboli's. Well anyways here are two links for these little treasures sent from heaven
pepperoni rolls
pepperoni rolls part 2
|
My Buddy Dan sent me a funny email letter. I would give copyright credit to someone, but I do not know who. How about credit to the Yup Yup Man
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day
you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first
one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just
a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just
wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus,
Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put
the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,
and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all
I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal
thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true,
Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start
over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think
we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Bill
|
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day
you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first
one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just
a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just
wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus,
Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put
the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,
and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all
I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal
thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true,
Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start
over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think
we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Bill
Wonder if we can get the guys that do Queer eye for the straight guy to make this guy over.
In need of a gay man makeover
|
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My good friend Steve sent this link to me today. He has a blogger but all his shit got lost or stolen by aliens. I told that dirty rat bastard I was stealing his story and posting it on mine. I even stole the title of the email he sent to me, shows you how much creativity I have. That'll teach him.
"SO WHAT, SO LET'S DANCE" Rodney Dangerfield in caddyshack
Poodle Swinger
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"SO WHAT, SO LET'S DANCE" Rodney Dangerfield in caddyshack
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