THORNTON MELON

This poor bastard

Proposing at the hoops game

count the bottles of beer

I saw this over at

entensity

and then over at

Joker

very funny stuff.

Osama Bin Laden casting call

This link was up on Entensity. Heman and a bunch of other eighties cartoons getting all kinds of fucked up. This shit is not right, I obviously laughed my ass off then.

Old School Afternoon

I don't ever remember seeing these episodes of the Smurfs

People over at Jib Jab have a new video out about the US canidates. Very funny.

Good to be in DC

Here is Jib Jab's earlier work.

This Land

Someone join for me

Naked film stars videos

This link was from over at

Mental shed

This movie is looking pretty sweet

Saw movie

Leon

How many cans of soda will it take to kill you?

572.4 bottles of Lemon Snapple and I'm a dead man

Sho-Ya Wang

Think you have a geeky hobby?

Geeky hobbies

Quick Joke for you.


A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"



"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."



"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs.

She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.



During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,



"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read



"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."



In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.



Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, " Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

Just checked out Joker's site and I was listed as a link. totally sweet. Please visit his site everyday, he always has some funny stuff over there.

Joker

Funniest story I have heard in a long time



This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious Behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled
over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this
pumpkin."Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?' "

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? shit..is it midnight already?'"

This thing is pretty neat. You type in a phrase, sentence etc. and it tells you whether the author is male or female. I have come back all male so far. Thanks to theGreatonefromMatewan for the link

Gender Genie

Get ready to laugh at all my holmies. WEST SIDE BIATCH

Wigga Please

link thanks to

Reagy

Our country is so corrupt, no wonder people hate us.

Man paid with crack to fill out fictitious voter registrations

In case the story gets taken down here it is

MAN GIVEN CRACK COCAINE TO REGISTER VOTERS ARRESTED IN OHIO
Mon Oct 18 2004 13:26:03 ET

October 18, 2004

The Defiance County Sheriff's Office arrested Chad Staton, age 22, of Stratton Ave., Defiance, on a charge of False Registration, in Violation of Section 3599.11 of the Ohio Revised Code, a felony of the fifth degree.

The SheriffÕs Office alleges that Staton filled out over 100 voter registration forms that were fictitious. Staton was to be paid for each registration form that he could get citizens to fill out. However, Staton himself filled out the registrations and returned them to the woman who hired him from Toledo, Ohio. Deputies allege that Staton was paid crack cocaine for the falsified registrations.

Defiance Deputies along with Toledo Police Department detectives conducted a search warrant of a residence on Woodland in Toledo, believed to be the home of the woman who hired Staton to solicit voter registration. Officers confiscated drug paraphernalia along with voter registration forms from the home. The occupant of the home, Georgianne Pitts, age 41, advised law enforcement, along with Ohio B.C.I.&I., that she had been recruited by Thaddeus J. Jackson, II, of Cleveland, to obtain voter registrations. Pitts admitted to paying Staton crack cocaine for the registrations in lieu of money.

A business card provided by Pitts indicated that Jackson is the Assistant NVF Ohio Director of the NAACP National Voter Fund.

The initial complaint received by the Sheriff's Office came from the Defiance County Board of Elections. The Board had received the 100 plus registration forms from the Cuyahoga Board of Elections that had been submitted to the Cuyahoga Board by the NAACP National Voter Fund

All you had to read was the last sentence to figure out this one

Man sets fire to house

I hope this direct link works over to Joker's site. this thing is funny as heck.

Trying to Vote for Kerry

This is also from WTF and I didn't know this. The winner of the presidency here in the US is dependent on a Washington Redskins win or loss. It has been a correct predictor since 1936. Republicans better hope the Skins beat the Packers on the 31st of October or the Democrats will win the presidency

The Redskins will decide

cool little game that was on WTF. See if you can guess which ones are legal.

Jailbait or not?

Back to posting here. I wanted to say what the fuck is wrong with Micahel Jackson? He cries about the Eminem video to BET owner Robert Johnson and Johnson agrees not to play the video. Robert you are a sellout sucker I hope your NBA team

Charlotte Bobcats

never win a game. Just for that I am taking BET out of my favorited on my TV. Michael you still are a freak pedophile, Rob why would you want to associate yourself with him, who or what is next kissing OJ's ass?

Sorry for the lack of updates the past few days, I was in Vegas baby. Thanks to Steve for giving me a blog post while I was away. First things first, I must thank the people who took me out to Vegas, Comcast, especially Tom, Browning, Lou, Dave & Doug, Thank you guys so very much. I would also like to thank my brother for letting me take his wife's place for the trip. Ray big thanks to you man.

Quick recap

Stayed here

massages

here

and

here

saw in concert

Elton John

and

Penn and Teller

Trip was totally sweet and I even won a few bucks

While the Big Cat's Away, This Mouse Will Play

Thornton's out in La La Land probably making millions while I sweat and toil over this blog. I want 15% minimum for this. You hear that, you jerk? Good. Now that that's over, here's the stupidest news I've heard in a while:

Michael Jackson "rips" Eminem a new one over Eminem's new Just Lose It video which depicts Jackson in bed with little kiddies and his nose falling off, among other things. Jackson said, and I quote: “The video was inappropriate and disrespectful to me, my children, my family, and the community at large.” Timmy, the 8 year old stuffed in a padlocked wicker hamper in the corner of Jackson's bedroom could be heard whimpering and crying for someone to "Please, help me. Dear God, someone please help me."

The folks at BET are taking Jackson's side on this one, and BET's president Robert Johnson axed Eminem's video citing that “it was inappropriate to disparage a celebrity”. Funny how it's okay to run all those other videos that disparage women and glorify selling crack, though. I don't even know why people watch that shitty channel, anyway. Half the words are bleeped out of all the songs. It's like trying to read a classified document with all the good bits blacked out. In other words, it's annoying and a big waste of time.

Jackson and Johnson win the Self-Righteous Asshole Without A Leg To Stand On Award for the day. Hat's off to ya, buttfuckers. You've earned it.

© EJ 2004

I am headed out to Vegas here in a moment. I leave tonight to go meet my brother and off to Vegas in the morning. I will not be updating the site for a couple of days. I hope to be coming back rich

GO WVU BEAT UCONN

and for all the Navy people that have been stopping by, thank you

GO NAVY BEAT NOTRE DAME

A message for all Voters


To All American Voters,

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton
Administration I had an extremely good and well paying
job. I took numerous vacations and had several
vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I
have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything
and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the
authorities found me living like an animal, instead of
helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that
Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back
in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you would like to know how one
senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking time to read my letter.

Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein

Try to ctach the fly

Someone buy me one of these shirts

Couch

Courtesy of Friendswood


Axis of Evil Wannabees, by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . .. in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil .. . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An axis can't have more than three counties", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

It is a sad day over here at Thronton Melon. The inspiration for my title and my site has passed. Rodney you will be missed. Rodney you did get all my respect.

RIP Rodney

Words to live by


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never
Know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

My wife wants to see this movie and I have agreed to see it. I have heard good things and bad things. I will let you know my opinion once I see this.

Farenheit 9-11

FROM THE CREATORS OF SOUTH PARK

Putting the F back in freedom. This movie looks funny as shit and if I know these guys Matt Stone & Trey Parker it will be awesome.

Team America

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in
thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye
and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?"
she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only
16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and
said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have
gotten out today."

for the British guy who sent me emails asking about the stupid beheading videos, now fuck off

for the British guy who sent me emails asking about the stupid beheading videos, now fuck off

Remember your parents complaining about albums played backwards, listen to this crazy shit, I knew Robert Plant was the devil

Photoshop drawing of a girl, this is cool

What Axl Rose has been doing

look at this roller coaster, awesome

cursor has been stolen

I need one of these

Undecided on who to vote for? Take this test to clear it up for you

Mind controlling made him send the envelopes, sure it wasn't drugs?

Is this how lesbians start?

let it rip baby