Crap & More Crap
Monday, March 15, 2004
Since I got nothing to write about, here are some links to check out
Jack Handey - “Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'”
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102. Jack Handey - “If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.”
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103. Jack Handey - “If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
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104. Jack Handey - “One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
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105. Jack Handey - “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'”
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106. Jack Handey - “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
107. Jack Handey - “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
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108. Jack Handey - “Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
109. Jack Handey - “To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
110. Jack Handey - “I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111. Jack Handey - “Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
112. Jack Handey - “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
113. Jack Handey - “If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
114. Jack Handey - “I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
115. Jack Handey - “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.”
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116. Unknown - “Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
117. Unknown - “When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
118. Unknown - “Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
119. Jack Handey - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
I have also noticed this since getting married
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
____________________________________________________________
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo'sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your @#%$.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Smack my bitch up
MMMM steak
Joke time Mother Bitches
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
"Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a-- up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
|
Jack Handey - “Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
102. Jack Handey - “If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
103. Jack Handey - “If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
104. Jack Handey - “One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
105. Jack Handey - “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
106. Jack Handey - “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
107. Jack Handey - “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
108. Jack Handey - “Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
109. Jack Handey - “To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
110. Jack Handey - “I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111. Jack Handey - “Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
112. Jack Handey - “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
113. Jack Handey - “If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
114. Jack Handey - “I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
115. Jack Handey - “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
116. Unknown - “Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
117. Unknown - “When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
118. Unknown - “Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
119. Jack Handey - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
I have also noticed this since getting married
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
____________________________________________________________
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo'sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your @#%$.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Joke time Mother Bitches
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
"Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a-- up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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