Crap & More Crap
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
LAST TANGO PART 2
In the beginning of time there was not only God, but God and the Queen. Even God himself cannot escape the demands and criticisms of woman.
Queen: You know God, all we do anymore is make love. Quite frankly, I'm tired of licking your balls. Can't you think of something more entertaining?
God: What? I give you the beautiful sun! The moon! I make the trees grow, the sea splash your bottom with its white foamy waves...
Queen: And that's nice, but we've been doing that for a few thousand years now. We need other people.
God: We've had this discussion before.
Queen: I promise I will only love and screw you!
God: Will you let me do anal on you with no lube?
Queen: You truly are a son of a....
God: Bend over and shut up. You got your little peoples to play with!
31 years, 2 days later-God completes orgasm with the Queen-the following day people were made. Queen broke her promise to God as she became fascinated with the people and had to experiment with the people sexually again and again. God became angry and cast men out of heaven and cast them to earth. Eager to escape God's jealously, The Queen left the pearly gates of heaven and went to earth. She hid herself as an ordinary commoner. She loved to wait tables as serving people was her greatest joy. However, as much as she enjoyed sex, for thousands of years, she could not fall in love with anyone until one day she met the man of her dreams.....
Jamaica, Early 70's...
Stang: No woman, no cry! No woman, no cry! You should make a song like that someday, Bob.
Bob Marley: I will try it mon. Got any more lyrics to that song, mon?
Stang: Just, "Everything's gonna be all right, everything's going be all right." I sing that over and over and over again because I'm so @#%$ stoned out of my head!
Queen: Wow, you're a pretty good regaee singer for a white guy.
Stang: Oh, hey, mon I'm Frank.
Queen: I'm the Queen.
Stang: Well, you're royalty, would you like a smoke of my hash, mon? Some Jamaican rum, mon?
Queen: Not in front of my boys, maybe a little later. Boys say hello to Frank.
Michael McDonald and Phil Collins: Hello, sir.
Stang: So, where's your husband, mon?
Queen: He died in Vietnam.
Stang: Wooah! Did you hear that, mon?
Queen: Hear what?
Stang: I thought someone told me to pull the cucumber out of my rear!
Theo: I heard it.
Queen: Well I heard no such thing.
Stang: I thought I did that this morning, uh...
Queen: You had a cucumber up your rear?
Stang: Oh God, I'm going to blow chunks....
12 minutes of intense vomiting....
Queen: Come on, I'll take you back to my place....
4 hours of hangover nap
Queen: I don't know what it is about you, but I feel the strong desire to ride you like a horse through on a no-rest trek through the John Muir trail.
Stang: I hate to tell you, but I have had erection difficulty for years and after smoking a bowl...
Queen: Have no fear my dear, you will have no difficulty.
3 hours after Stang's first erection in years....
Stang: Sweet Jesus, you are heaven sent!
Queen: If you only knew!
Stang: I want to marry you. I prayed to God that the first women who got my blood pumping in that direction would be my wife.
Queen: Will you cut that pony tail?
Stang: It's gone!
Queen: But what about my boys? Does it bother you that you will have to raise the developed sperm of another man?
Stang: Heck no! Phil and Michael seem like great kids! We'll have some of our own one day.
Queen: They are great kids! And oh, can they sing! Here, I should play this tape of one of the songs they wrote and performed and we'll screw some more...
Stang: I don't know if I want to make love to some kids singing in the background...
Queen: Shh.......
Tape of Phil and Michael: I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, oh lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord
Meanwhile, a nearby beach somewhere in Jamaica
Sdot: Hey, I heard you guys singing, can you sing a song for me?
Michael McDonald: Sure. Here's a good one I like: The people of the town are strange
And they're proud of where they came
Well, you're talkin' 'bout china grove
Oh, china grove
Sdot: Gawd, that's awesome, better than the doobie brothers version! You should join them!
Michael McDonald: Man, I'd like to.
Sdot: What about you? Can you sing?
Phil Collins: I wrote a little ditty, it's not done, but I hope to record it and become an international sensation: There's this girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Sussudio oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Sussudio oh oh
Sdot: What the @#%$ does sussido mean?
Phil Collins: I'm not really sure.
Sdot: You guys are turning me on with your cool tunes. Ever do a retard? The good thing is nobody will ever know because I'm too stupid to remember it.
Phil: Oh, hella, Michael, you take the rear and I'll take the front. We haven't banged this many retards since our summer in Pittsburgh. Choo choo!
Sdot: yeah, you're the conductor and he's the caboose and I get the best of both worlds. Choo choo! Choo Choo! Choo Choo!
Big Chimeny- May 1975
Queen: Honey! Come on, it's time!
Stang: Oh shizit! I got to call Michael and Phil....
Queen: No time.....
Moments later
Charleston Area Medical Center- closet-undisclosed location-some generic porn mag
Dr. WVUinOhio: Oh, I want to lick your boobies and your rear, suck the polish off your toe nails. What time is it? I got to @#%$. Gotta delivery down stairs. Come on! Come on! Why won't I @#%$?
Meanwhile, in the delivery room...
Dr. Keno: Ok, what do we have here?
Nurse sdot: looks like dat woman got a boatload of kids in her belly or she overdosed on hohos.
Stang: Hey, have you guys done this before? You look like a pilot with that sweet jacket and shades.
Dr. Keno: Hey, jerkwad! Have I ever asked you if you knocked up a chick before? Sit down and shut up and let us do our work!
Nurse sdot: ken i have a go with her before the kids pop out?
Stang: What? You fing retard!
Dr. Keno: That's it! Out of here! I am not going to have you insult my staff!
Stang: Ok! Ok! I'm sorry!
Nurse sdot: I gotta poop but I wanna pepperoni roll.
Dr. Keno: Now, Nurse sdot, we've gone over this. Which is the most important thing to do first?
Nurse sdot: Right! The cafeteria is just a 10 minute walk away. I will get my roll and then drop a load.
Dr. Keno: No...
Stang: Doctor, the kid is coming out
Dr. Keno: Kid? You got three coming out! Oh right, let's yank this first sucker out! Well, I can barely see anything between its legs, ooops, there it is, it's a boy! What do you want to name this one?
Stang: What do you think Queenie?
Queen: He's so cute! Let's call him Frog!
Dr. Keno: Here's number 2! Wow! This one has a frightening laugh right out of the womb!
Stang: What about this one, honey?
Queen: Well, he's a bit odd with that laugh. How about Psycho?
Stang: Maybe for a nickname. Let's name him Von Trauser Snod. Although I do like Mobly, nah, let's stick with Von Trauser Snod.
Dr. Keno: Last, but not least, #3.
Stang: Geesh, he looks a little Spanish! Did that come from me?
Queen: God, he's gorgeous. He reminds me.... Roberto! That's what we'll call him!
Stang: I don't want you naming him after a former lover!
Queen: We talked about your jealousy issues, Stang. Besides, Roberto made me happy so long ago and he reminds me so much of him..
Stang: So much for a stang jr.
Dr. Keno: Another fine delivery!
Nurse sdot: that was the best pepporini roll in the world!!!
Dr. Keno: I guess it was worth shatting your pants over?
Nurse sdot: it sure was....if you will excuse me momentarily
Dr. Keno: Get out of here! You're fired!
Nurse sdot: where will I go?
Dr. Keno: Why do I care? Go to Pittsburgh with the rest of the retards! Work some bathroom in a strip club. Maybe you can handle that. What's that noise? The Japs are coming! RUNNNNN!!!!
5 minutes later....
Dr. WVUinOhio: Alright, we have a Mr. and Mrs. Stang... Wow! Looks like I'm a little late.
Stang: Dr. Keno delivered the kids.
Dr. WVUinOhio: We don't have a Dr. Keno on the staff!
Stang: Is that a milk mustache, Dr. WVUinOhio?
1983-Gates of Heaven!
God: It has come to my attention that my ex, the Queen or as I call her Queenbitch, has been hiding from me on earth. She has even managed to have five children. I want them found and their memories erased before she makes them immortal. Relocate the children throughout, scatter them so they will never find each other. Find her husband and tempt him with the sins of the flesh. She wants Earth? She can have it and all of its misery.
Christian Assassination Squad: As you wish, master!
September 1983-Breakfast table-Big Chimney, WV
Roberto: I had a dream last night, mama.
Queen: What was that sweetie?
Roberto: I dreamed that I had the Michael Jackson outfit that he wore in the Billy Jean video and that I danced so good that Jessy loved me and nobody else.
Queen: Now Bobby. We had this chat about fixating on one girl. There is plenty of fish in the sea.
Psycho: Yeah, that poor sap has been saving his lunch money and bought her a pin!
Roberto: Shut up! You spend your lunch money on Steve Perry t-shirts!
Psycho: No, I spend other kids' lunch money on Steve Perry t-shirts. Get it right!
Queen: Boys! Boys! Look, Bobby, if you wanted to get your little girlfriend a gift, you just had to tell me. I don't want you skipping lunch.
Roberto: Yes, mam.
Queen: Well look who's up? You two were in bed a while.
Stang: You know Frog, he loves to cuddle with daddy all morning.
Frog: Daddy, can I sit on your lap while we eat breakfast?
Stang: Sure, Frog.
Queen: Don't you think Frog is getting a little big to be sitting on your lap at the breakfast table and cuddling in bed with you when he should be getting ready for school?
Stang: Now, honey! Not in front of the other boys. Frog will get embarrassed.
Frog: Daddy, I don't feel good. Can I stay home today?
Stang: Well you feel a little warm. Let's take your temperature.
Frog: Oh daddy, will you stick it in my rear like last time?
Stang: Well, it is a more accurate way to get a read on your temperature.
Queen: No, Stang! You are going to have to let him grow up. Frog, you stayed at home once already this week. You're going to school.
Stang: Your mom's right, Frog. Besides you wore my lap out once already this week.
A couple of hours later
Roberto: Hi Jessy!
JessyWilkinson: Hi Roberto!
Roberto: I got a pin for you Jessy. I saved all my lunch money. See, it's an angel that says "heaven sent".
JessyWilkinson: I ....I can't take that from you.
Moments later (boys bathroom)!
Roberto: Why? WHY? Why? WHY? I will never give my heart to another girl. Never!
After school, same day
Psycho: Cheer up Bobby! I beat up some kids who were blasting you saying you got ditched. I got their money. Let's go to Dairy Queen and get some blizzards.
Frog: Yeah, let's do it Bobby!
Roberto: Might as well. The love of my life shafted me. What else is there to do besides eat and die?
Psycho: Beats me! Let's go!
Frog: How will daddy know we went to Dairy Queen?
Psycho: Because I called him and told him to pick us up there in a half hour, Daddy's Girl.
Frog: I'm not girl.
Psycho: That's a matter of opinion.
15 minutes later-Dairy Queen, Big Chimney, WV
WVUinOhio Hello boys! How can I help you?
Psycho: I want an Oreo Blizzard, Bobby wants a Reese's Cup and Frog, what do you eat?
Frog: I want a Surprise Blizzard!
Psycho: Could you quit being stupid for once? What do you want?
WVUinOhio: No, that's ok. I'll get him a surprise blizzard. I got to go in the back for that. My assistant here will help you with the Oreo and Reeses, boys.
Sdot: i had sex once with 2 black girls and we called it an oreo blizzard!
Psycho: Congratulations.
Sdot: Can I have a bite of your blizzards?
Psycho: No.
Roberto: You can have mine. I'm not hungry.
Sdot: Can I take a dump in it?
Roberto: Why would you want to do that?
Sdot: i never felt cold ice cream on my booty cheeks while i squeeze one into the blizzard!
Meanwhile, in the backroom-latest Penthouse edition
WVUinOhio: Oh God, that's it. You like it don't you, you skank ho! I'm the biggest you've ever had! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Surrender!
Moments later!
WVUinOhio: Here's your surprise blizzard!
Frog: Gah leeee, Mister! That's the best blizzard I've ever tasted!
WVUinOhio: Glad you like it! You know I was supposed to deliver you and your brothers, but some crazy pilot did instead.
Frog: You were a doctor?
WVUinOhio: Sure was! The blood thing got old after a while and I'd much rather make surprise blizzards for you. Now, I need to go take a nap. Sdot, man the register. Sdot? Sdot? Where are you?
Sdot: Uh. I tried to take a dump in this blizzard and i overfilled the cup! It's a big one like our footlong hot dogs on english buns.
WVUinOhio: Get it out! Get out you @#%$ retard! Go to Pittsburgh with the rest of your kind!
Stang: Hey boys! Daddy's here! Let's go home! Why so down Bobby?
Roberto: Jessy wouldn't even take the pin I got her. Now, she's getting ready to come in here.
JessyWilkinson: Hi Bobby's daddy! Can you help me with my bike tire? It's flat.
Stang: Why sure pretty girl. Be right back boys.
Frog: Daddy, don't go, I'll miss you so.
Stang: Calm down, Frog, it will just be a few minutes.
Outside the Dairy Queen
Stang: There, it's all fixed.
JessyWilkinson: I have a sister who has a crush on you!
Stang: Oh really?
JessyWilkinson: Yeah, she told me to tell you that she's legal now, whatever that means.
Stang: Mother of God! Um, how far away is she?
JessyWilkinson: She's just down the street.
Stang: It will take about 2 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to... Ok, I'll run down and say hi.
Moments later!
Christian Assassination Squad: Freeze! You're under arrest, pervert!
Stang: For what?
CAS: For trying to screw her 12 year old sister!
Stang: She told me she was legal!
CAS: Sell it to the judge.
Meanwhile inside the Dairy Queen:
CAS: Boys, come here!
2 hours later-basement of the Boy Scout's Building at Big Chimney Elementary School
Bailiff: All rise! The Honorable WVUinOhio presiding. You may all be seated!
WVUinOhio: You may be seated!
Stang: Aren't you the Dairy Queen man?
WVUinOhio: That's my day job. I've reviewed your file. You're guilty as sin!
Stang: What? Where's my lawyer? My phone call? Where's a @#%$ window for that matter? Why kind of a courthouse is this? Can I at least have a cup of coffee?
WVUinOhio: Coffee I can get you. It's in the back. You take cream.
Stang: Well of course you @#%$.
Backroom-latest Hustler edition
WVUinOhio: Oh, Christ! It's so hard to go twice in the same day! Come on, come on! Make me go you filthy @#%$! Make me go! I'm going to do your belly button! OOOh, it's all full of bellybutton lint. Don't you ever pick it out you bad, bad girl? Oh, God, Oh uhhhhhhh
Moments later...
WVUinOhio: Here you go! Fresh cup of Good Morning America!
Stang: HOOA! What a cup of coffee! The taste reminds me of my college days. Could it be....
WVUinOhio: Silencio! I sentence you to have one nut chopped off after finishing your cup of joe! That should teach you!
Stang: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WVUinOhio: I shall rename you Uno!
Hours later-Stang-Queen family home
Stang: Honey, I got some bad news.... a lot of bad news...
Fall 2004-UN
BornAgainBob: Gentleman. That's the basic story in a nutshell. There is much more to go into, but my mother and I must find my brothers and father and bring them back to life before it's too late. We have a small window.
Frenchie: Where did the CAS take you and your brothers? Where did you go? How did your mother find you and bring you back?
BornAgainBob: In time. I have to go. I will be back to explain the rest. The Final War is as certain as any mathematical equation. Your choice will be between God and the Queen.
Frenchie: We will verify your accusations, if true, we are with you and the Queen. We will send our top investigator. Any chance I can get Michael McDonald's autograph if you bring him back to life?
Eat N' Park, Morgantow, WV-Weeks earlier-After the CAS slayings of Frog, Roberto, Michael McDonald, Psycho and Phil Collins
CAS: Way to slay! Way to slay!
Queen: Can I get you guys some dessert?
Charloteer: I'll take your supersize cookie, the one bigger than my face, with 3 gallons of ice cream! I may be on the crapper all night, but it will be worth it!
TEX (aka General Patton): I'll have another glass of wine!
Queen: We don't serve wine.
TEX (aka General Patton): Well, I'll serve myself.
Stanthethrillhill: I'll have a schlongal.
Chris: I'll have an eyeball.
CAS: Keep it together man, keep it together.
Moments later-A group of four escorts proposition the CAS-they hold a short debate on whether to proceed with temptation.
Charloteer: This is a sign from God, a reward for all our hard work. I haven't had a sweat ring on my shirt this big since the old lady made me get on top.
TEX (aka General Patton): It's a no brainer really. We did God's work, and this is our reward. The Bible says we are to be rewarded for doing what God says.
Stanthethrillhill: I'm with Chris, I want an eyeball.
Chris: Eyeball! Eyeball!
Stanthethrillhill: Limbs, organs.
Chris: Ears, noses, scalps and EYEBALL!
CAS: Keep it together men!
What the CAS did not realize was that the Queen had discovered that the CAS had assassinated her sons. She sent four @#%$ to rot off the genitalia of the CAS. The CAS was obviously distraught but each member decided to try and keep their missing weenier and nuts a secret from the other.
Following morning: Eat 'N Park, Morgantown, WV
Queen: Men, breakfast is on the house. Sausage links and Brussel sprouts!
Chris: Ok, ok, ok, ok. I admit! I have no weenier or nuts! I said a sentence without saying "eyeball". I'm cured!
StantheThrillhill: Me neither!
Charloteer: You know, I never checked, let me run to the bathroom and lift up my belly and see.
TEX (aka General Patton): You guys are silly. Mine are still in tact..... No, no they're not. I cannot knowingly tell a lie! I admit, mine are gone too. Must have been those hos!
Charloteer: I'm not going to waste the energy going to the restroom to check. I'm tired. I'll just assume mine are gone and drown my sorrows in this plate of flapjacks.
Queen: Men or maybe not. I want to introduce you to my little friend, my AK-47. Before you die, know two things. 1. I am God's ex-lover and I have just as much power as he. You will not find your weeniers and nuts in heaven. 2. Do not ever @#%$ with a mutha's kids!
TO BE CONTINUED......
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In the beginning of time there was not only God, but God and the Queen. Even God himself cannot escape the demands and criticisms of woman.
Queen: You know God, all we do anymore is make love. Quite frankly, I'm tired of licking your balls. Can't you think of something more entertaining?
God: What? I give you the beautiful sun! The moon! I make the trees grow, the sea splash your bottom with its white foamy waves...
Queen: And that's nice, but we've been doing that for a few thousand years now. We need other people.
God: We've had this discussion before.
Queen: I promise I will only love and screw you!
God: Will you let me do anal on you with no lube?
Queen: You truly are a son of a....
God: Bend over and shut up. You got your little peoples to play with!
31 years, 2 days later-God completes orgasm with the Queen-the following day people were made. Queen broke her promise to God as she became fascinated with the people and had to experiment with the people sexually again and again. God became angry and cast men out of heaven and cast them to earth. Eager to escape God's jealously, The Queen left the pearly gates of heaven and went to earth. She hid herself as an ordinary commoner. She loved to wait tables as serving people was her greatest joy. However, as much as she enjoyed sex, for thousands of years, she could not fall in love with anyone until one day she met the man of her dreams.....
Jamaica, Early 70's...
Stang: No woman, no cry! No woman, no cry! You should make a song like that someday, Bob.
Bob Marley: I will try it mon. Got any more lyrics to that song, mon?
Stang: Just, "Everything's gonna be all right, everything's going be all right." I sing that over and over and over again because I'm so @#%$ stoned out of my head!
Queen: Wow, you're a pretty good regaee singer for a white guy.
Stang: Oh, hey, mon I'm Frank.
Queen: I'm the Queen.
Stang: Well, you're royalty, would you like a smoke of my hash, mon? Some Jamaican rum, mon?
Queen: Not in front of my boys, maybe a little later. Boys say hello to Frank.
Michael McDonald and Phil Collins: Hello, sir.
Stang: So, where's your husband, mon?
Queen: He died in Vietnam.
Stang: Wooah! Did you hear that, mon?
Queen: Hear what?
Stang: I thought someone told me to pull the cucumber out of my rear!
Theo: I heard it.
Queen: Well I heard no such thing.
Stang: I thought I did that this morning, uh...
Queen: You had a cucumber up your rear?
Stang: Oh God, I'm going to blow chunks....
12 minutes of intense vomiting....
Queen: Come on, I'll take you back to my place....
4 hours of hangover nap
Queen: I don't know what it is about you, but I feel the strong desire to ride you like a horse through on a no-rest trek through the John Muir trail.
Stang: I hate to tell you, but I have had erection difficulty for years and after smoking a bowl...
Queen: Have no fear my dear, you will have no difficulty.
3 hours after Stang's first erection in years....
Stang: Sweet Jesus, you are heaven sent!
Queen: If you only knew!
Stang: I want to marry you. I prayed to God that the first women who got my blood pumping in that direction would be my wife.
Queen: Will you cut that pony tail?
Stang: It's gone!
Queen: But what about my boys? Does it bother you that you will have to raise the developed sperm of another man?
Stang: Heck no! Phil and Michael seem like great kids! We'll have some of our own one day.
Queen: They are great kids! And oh, can they sing! Here, I should play this tape of one of the songs they wrote and performed and we'll screw some more...
Stang: I don't know if I want to make love to some kids singing in the background...
Queen: Shh.......
Tape of Phil and Michael: I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, oh lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord
Meanwhile, a nearby beach somewhere in Jamaica
Sdot: Hey, I heard you guys singing, can you sing a song for me?
Michael McDonald: Sure. Here's a good one I like: The people of the town are strange
And they're proud of where they came
Well, you're talkin' 'bout china grove
Oh, china grove
Sdot: Gawd, that's awesome, better than the doobie brothers version! You should join them!
Michael McDonald: Man, I'd like to.
Sdot: What about you? Can you sing?
Phil Collins: I wrote a little ditty, it's not done, but I hope to record it and become an international sensation: There's this girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Sussudio oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Sussudio oh oh
Sdot: What the @#%$ does sussido mean?
Phil Collins: I'm not really sure.
Sdot: You guys are turning me on with your cool tunes. Ever do a retard? The good thing is nobody will ever know because I'm too stupid to remember it.
Phil: Oh, hella, Michael, you take the rear and I'll take the front. We haven't banged this many retards since our summer in Pittsburgh. Choo choo!
Sdot: yeah, you're the conductor and he's the caboose and I get the best of both worlds. Choo choo! Choo Choo! Choo Choo!
Big Chimeny- May 1975
Queen: Honey! Come on, it's time!
Stang: Oh shizit! I got to call Michael and Phil....
Queen: No time.....
Moments later
Charleston Area Medical Center- closet-undisclosed location-some generic porn mag
Dr. WVUinOhio: Oh, I want to lick your boobies and your rear, suck the polish off your toe nails. What time is it? I got to @#%$. Gotta delivery down stairs. Come on! Come on! Why won't I @#%$?
Meanwhile, in the delivery room...
Dr. Keno: Ok, what do we have here?
Nurse sdot: looks like dat woman got a boatload of kids in her belly or she overdosed on hohos.
Stang: Hey, have you guys done this before? You look like a pilot with that sweet jacket and shades.
Dr. Keno: Hey, jerkwad! Have I ever asked you if you knocked up a chick before? Sit down and shut up and let us do our work!
Nurse sdot: ken i have a go with her before the kids pop out?
Stang: What? You fing retard!
Dr. Keno: That's it! Out of here! I am not going to have you insult my staff!
Stang: Ok! Ok! I'm sorry!
Nurse sdot: I gotta poop but I wanna pepperoni roll.
Dr. Keno: Now, Nurse sdot, we've gone over this. Which is the most important thing to do first?
Nurse sdot: Right! The cafeteria is just a 10 minute walk away. I will get my roll and then drop a load.
Dr. Keno: No...
Stang: Doctor, the kid is coming out
Dr. Keno: Kid? You got three coming out! Oh right, let's yank this first sucker out! Well, I can barely see anything between its legs, ooops, there it is, it's a boy! What do you want to name this one?
Stang: What do you think Queenie?
Queen: He's so cute! Let's call him Frog!
Dr. Keno: Here's number 2! Wow! This one has a frightening laugh right out of the womb!
Stang: What about this one, honey?
Queen: Well, he's a bit odd with that laugh. How about Psycho?
Stang: Maybe for a nickname. Let's name him Von Trauser Snod. Although I do like Mobly, nah, let's stick with Von Trauser Snod.
Dr. Keno: Last, but not least, #3.
Stang: Geesh, he looks a little Spanish! Did that come from me?
Queen: God, he's gorgeous. He reminds me.... Roberto! That's what we'll call him!
Stang: I don't want you naming him after a former lover!
Queen: We talked about your jealousy issues, Stang. Besides, Roberto made me happy so long ago and he reminds me so much of him..
Stang: So much for a stang jr.
Dr. Keno: Another fine delivery!
Nurse sdot: that was the best pepporini roll in the world!!!
Dr. Keno: I guess it was worth shatting your pants over?
Nurse sdot: it sure was....if you will excuse me momentarily
Dr. Keno: Get out of here! You're fired!
Nurse sdot: where will I go?
Dr. Keno: Why do I care? Go to Pittsburgh with the rest of the retards! Work some bathroom in a strip club. Maybe you can handle that. What's that noise? The Japs are coming! RUNNNNN!!!!
5 minutes later....
Dr. WVUinOhio: Alright, we have a Mr. and Mrs. Stang... Wow! Looks like I'm a little late.
Stang: Dr. Keno delivered the kids.
Dr. WVUinOhio: We don't have a Dr. Keno on the staff!
Stang: Is that a milk mustache, Dr. WVUinOhio?
1983-Gates of Heaven!
God: It has come to my attention that my ex, the Queen or as I call her Queenbitch, has been hiding from me on earth. She has even managed to have five children. I want them found and their memories erased before she makes them immortal. Relocate the children throughout, scatter them so they will never find each other. Find her husband and tempt him with the sins of the flesh. She wants Earth? She can have it and all of its misery.
Christian Assassination Squad: As you wish, master!
September 1983-Breakfast table-Big Chimney, WV
Roberto: I had a dream last night, mama.
Queen: What was that sweetie?
Roberto: I dreamed that I had the Michael Jackson outfit that he wore in the Billy Jean video and that I danced so good that Jessy loved me and nobody else.
Queen: Now Bobby. We had this chat about fixating on one girl. There is plenty of fish in the sea.
Psycho: Yeah, that poor sap has been saving his lunch money and bought her a pin!
Roberto: Shut up! You spend your lunch money on Steve Perry t-shirts!
Psycho: No, I spend other kids' lunch money on Steve Perry t-shirts. Get it right!
Queen: Boys! Boys! Look, Bobby, if you wanted to get your little girlfriend a gift, you just had to tell me. I don't want you skipping lunch.
Roberto: Yes, mam.
Queen: Well look who's up? You two were in bed a while.
Stang: You know Frog, he loves to cuddle with daddy all morning.
Frog: Daddy, can I sit on your lap while we eat breakfast?
Stang: Sure, Frog.
Queen: Don't you think Frog is getting a little big to be sitting on your lap at the breakfast table and cuddling in bed with you when he should be getting ready for school?
Stang: Now, honey! Not in front of the other boys. Frog will get embarrassed.
Frog: Daddy, I don't feel good. Can I stay home today?
Stang: Well you feel a little warm. Let's take your temperature.
Frog: Oh daddy, will you stick it in my rear like last time?
Stang: Well, it is a more accurate way to get a read on your temperature.
Queen: No, Stang! You are going to have to let him grow up. Frog, you stayed at home once already this week. You're going to school.
Stang: Your mom's right, Frog. Besides you wore my lap out once already this week.
A couple of hours later
Roberto: Hi Jessy!
JessyWilkinson: Hi Roberto!
Roberto: I got a pin for you Jessy. I saved all my lunch money. See, it's an angel that says "heaven sent".
JessyWilkinson: I ....I can't take that from you.
Moments later (boys bathroom)!
Roberto: Why? WHY? Why? WHY? I will never give my heart to another girl. Never!
After school, same day
Psycho: Cheer up Bobby! I beat up some kids who were blasting you saying you got ditched. I got their money. Let's go to Dairy Queen and get some blizzards.
Frog: Yeah, let's do it Bobby!
Roberto: Might as well. The love of my life shafted me. What else is there to do besides eat and die?
Psycho: Beats me! Let's go!
Frog: How will daddy know we went to Dairy Queen?
Psycho: Because I called him and told him to pick us up there in a half hour, Daddy's Girl.
Frog: I'm not girl.
Psycho: That's a matter of opinion.
15 minutes later-Dairy Queen, Big Chimney, WV
WVUinOhio Hello boys! How can I help you?
Psycho: I want an Oreo Blizzard, Bobby wants a Reese's Cup and Frog, what do you eat?
Frog: I want a Surprise Blizzard!
Psycho: Could you quit being stupid for once? What do you want?
WVUinOhio: No, that's ok. I'll get him a surprise blizzard. I got to go in the back for that. My assistant here will help you with the Oreo and Reeses, boys.
Sdot: i had sex once with 2 black girls and we called it an oreo blizzard!
Psycho: Congratulations.
Sdot: Can I have a bite of your blizzards?
Psycho: No.
Roberto: You can have mine. I'm not hungry.
Sdot: Can I take a dump in it?
Roberto: Why would you want to do that?
Sdot: i never felt cold ice cream on my booty cheeks while i squeeze one into the blizzard!
Meanwhile, in the backroom-latest Penthouse edition
WVUinOhio: Oh God, that's it. You like it don't you, you skank ho! I'm the biggest you've ever had! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Surrender!
Moments later!
WVUinOhio: Here's your surprise blizzard!
Frog: Gah leeee, Mister! That's the best blizzard I've ever tasted!
WVUinOhio: Glad you like it! You know I was supposed to deliver you and your brothers, but some crazy pilot did instead.
Frog: You were a doctor?
WVUinOhio: Sure was! The blood thing got old after a while and I'd much rather make surprise blizzards for you. Now, I need to go take a nap. Sdot, man the register. Sdot? Sdot? Where are you?
Sdot: Uh. I tried to take a dump in this blizzard and i overfilled the cup! It's a big one like our footlong hot dogs on english buns.
WVUinOhio: Get it out! Get out you @#%$ retard! Go to Pittsburgh with the rest of your kind!
Stang: Hey boys! Daddy's here! Let's go home! Why so down Bobby?
Roberto: Jessy wouldn't even take the pin I got her. Now, she's getting ready to come in here.
JessyWilkinson: Hi Bobby's daddy! Can you help me with my bike tire? It's flat.
Stang: Why sure pretty girl. Be right back boys.
Frog: Daddy, don't go, I'll miss you so.
Stang: Calm down, Frog, it will just be a few minutes.
Outside the Dairy Queen
Stang: There, it's all fixed.
JessyWilkinson: I have a sister who has a crush on you!
Stang: Oh really?
JessyWilkinson: Yeah, she told me to tell you that she's legal now, whatever that means.
Stang: Mother of God! Um, how far away is she?
JessyWilkinson: She's just down the street.
Stang: It will take about 2 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to... Ok, I'll run down and say hi.
Moments later!
Christian Assassination Squad: Freeze! You're under arrest, pervert!
Stang: For what?
CAS: For trying to screw her 12 year old sister!
Stang: She told me she was legal!
CAS: Sell it to the judge.
Meanwhile inside the Dairy Queen:
CAS: Boys, come here!
2 hours later-basement of the Boy Scout's Building at Big Chimney Elementary School
Bailiff: All rise! The Honorable WVUinOhio presiding. You may all be seated!
WVUinOhio: You may be seated!
Stang: Aren't you the Dairy Queen man?
WVUinOhio: That's my day job. I've reviewed your file. You're guilty as sin!
Stang: What? Where's my lawyer? My phone call? Where's a @#%$ window for that matter? Why kind of a courthouse is this? Can I at least have a cup of coffee?
WVUinOhio: Coffee I can get you. It's in the back. You take cream.
Stang: Well of course you @#%$.
Backroom-latest Hustler edition
WVUinOhio: Oh, Christ! It's so hard to go twice in the same day! Come on, come on! Make me go you filthy @#%$! Make me go! I'm going to do your belly button! OOOh, it's all full of bellybutton lint. Don't you ever pick it out you bad, bad girl? Oh, God, Oh uhhhhhhh
Moments later...
WVUinOhio: Here you go! Fresh cup of Good Morning America!
Stang: HOOA! What a cup of coffee! The taste reminds me of my college days. Could it be....
WVUinOhio: Silencio! I sentence you to have one nut chopped off after finishing your cup of joe! That should teach you!
Stang: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WVUinOhio: I shall rename you Uno!
Hours later-Stang-Queen family home
Stang: Honey, I got some bad news.... a lot of bad news...
Fall 2004-UN
BornAgainBob: Gentleman. That's the basic story in a nutshell. There is much more to go into, but my mother and I must find my brothers and father and bring them back to life before it's too late. We have a small window.
Frenchie: Where did the CAS take you and your brothers? Where did you go? How did your mother find you and bring you back?
BornAgainBob: In time. I have to go. I will be back to explain the rest. The Final War is as certain as any mathematical equation. Your choice will be between God and the Queen.
Frenchie: We will verify your accusations, if true, we are with you and the Queen. We will send our top investigator. Any chance I can get Michael McDonald's autograph if you bring him back to life?
Eat N' Park, Morgantow, WV-Weeks earlier-After the CAS slayings of Frog, Roberto, Michael McDonald, Psycho and Phil Collins
CAS: Way to slay! Way to slay!
Queen: Can I get you guys some dessert?
Charloteer: I'll take your supersize cookie, the one bigger than my face, with 3 gallons of ice cream! I may be on the crapper all night, but it will be worth it!
TEX (aka General Patton): I'll have another glass of wine!
Queen: We don't serve wine.
TEX (aka General Patton): Well, I'll serve myself.
Stanthethrillhill: I'll have a schlongal.
Chris: I'll have an eyeball.
CAS: Keep it together man, keep it together.
Moments later-A group of four escorts proposition the CAS-they hold a short debate on whether to proceed with temptation.
Charloteer: This is a sign from God, a reward for all our hard work. I haven't had a sweat ring on my shirt this big since the old lady made me get on top.
TEX (aka General Patton): It's a no brainer really. We did God's work, and this is our reward. The Bible says we are to be rewarded for doing what God says.
Stanthethrillhill: I'm with Chris, I want an eyeball.
Chris: Eyeball! Eyeball!
Stanthethrillhill: Limbs, organs.
Chris: Ears, noses, scalps and EYEBALL!
CAS: Keep it together men!
What the CAS did not realize was that the Queen had discovered that the CAS had assassinated her sons. She sent four @#%$ to rot off the genitalia of the CAS. The CAS was obviously distraught but each member decided to try and keep their missing weenier and nuts a secret from the other.
Following morning: Eat 'N Park, Morgantown, WV
Queen: Men, breakfast is on the house. Sausage links and Brussel sprouts!
Chris: Ok, ok, ok, ok. I admit! I have no weenier or nuts! I said a sentence without saying "eyeball". I'm cured!
StantheThrillhill: Me neither!
Charloteer: You know, I never checked, let me run to the bathroom and lift up my belly and see.
TEX (aka General Patton): You guys are silly. Mine are still in tact..... No, no they're not. I cannot knowingly tell a lie! I admit, mine are gone too. Must have been those hos!
Charloteer: I'm not going to waste the energy going to the restroom to check. I'm tired. I'll just assume mine are gone and drown my sorrows in this plate of flapjacks.
Queen: Men or maybe not. I want to introduce you to my little friend, my AK-47. Before you die, know two things. 1. I am God's ex-lover and I have just as much power as he. You will not find your weeniers and nuts in heaven. 2. Do not ever @#%$ with a mutha's kids!
TO BE CONTINUED......
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